The Tree

Christmas is truly a joyous time of the year. I have many, many happy
memories of seasons past, however I am aware that I have what I call a
selective memory. Because of this, I have taken to writing things down in
a diary to remind me of what to avoid the next time around.
The following are notes from last year’s Christmas tree episode.small_11199317736
Dec. 1 Peruse neighborhood for a good cheap tree. Note grocery store
where we bought last year’s crooked, yet bushy and beautiful tree has a
new load of them. Check to see if this one is straighter than last year’s disaster.
Difficult to tell if it is straight when it is in a big net bag. Price is
right, tree is, after all, bushy and beautiful. It’s early, but we’re keen. We
buy it. Tree “stored” (tossed) in back yard where it is cool.
Dec. 2-12 Unseasonably warm weather. Hope tree doesn’t dry out.
Dec. 13 Eldest son and I attempt to put up tree. Seem to recall some formula
one added to the water to prolong the life of the tree involving sugar and
bleach. To water we add quarter cup sugar and splash or two of bleach.
Tree eased into tree stand. It is not straight. Screws tightened into tree do
not hold it up. Son and I stuff tree stand with scraps of wood, rocks, pieces
of a wooden puzzle that we find in the toy box, two pieces of bamboo. Tree
still swaying. Two fishing hooks and some fishing line attach tree to air vent
conveniently situated above tree. We have a nice carol fest with kids, vacuum
up many needles, and decorate it.
Dec. 14 Find tree on its side. Wet spot on carpet mopped up. Tree propped
against wall. It doesn’t look bad like that. What the heck. Attempt to find
fishhooks. They seem to have flown up the vent. Add more water, and a
touch more sugar and bleach. Vacuum up a lot of needles. More carols
sung.
Dec. 17 Husband and son dissatisfied with leaning tree. After lengthy
discussion, decide to duct tape lower branches to stand.
Dec. 18 Tree once more in horizontal position. Wet spot mopped up.
Many, many nails driven through stand, into tree trunk. More rocks and
wood added. Broken bamboo and duct tape discarded. Carol or two
hummed. Tree redecorated with remaining unbroken decorations.
Dec. 19 Tree over again. Carpet soaked. More water added to reservoir.
Tree propped against wall. Large quantities of needles vacuumed up. Silent
Night tonight.
Dec. 20 Husband bought new high tech tree stand. Costs twice as much
as tree. It works. Vacuum cleaner is broken. Carpet permanently stained.
Perhaps a bit too much bleach? Tree redecorated, no carols sung.
Dec 26 Sing “Hark the Naked Conifer” and throw out tree along with a
tree stand. It’s Boxing Day. We’re off to buy a synthetic tree.

3 responses to “The Tree

  1. Hohohohohohohohohohhoohoho … my response to your frustrating, yet funny in the re-telling, tale of the tree. Ah, the lessons we learn out of these happenings – such as: a live Christmas tree has no more honor than an artificial one, and laughing at our exasperations is always the best medicine. Thank you for this hohohohohhoho!

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